Ian is the Greatest Hockey Player In the World: News

Chiefs skin Cougars 9-5 with Ian's Four Goal Performance

To celebrate goalie Alex "Ham" Berger's return from his honeymoon the Chiefs dominated the Cougars in last night's 7:30pm match-up. The Chiefs were low on players with only two subs to start the game. The game was scoreless until 3:05 left in the first when Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant scored the first of his two goals to go with one assist. After Kevin "Sparkly Pants" scored his second goal Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber tipped in a shot to increase the lead to 3-0. Early in the second Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber shot a laser beam into upper left corner on a pass from Jeff "Burnt" Joast. With a couple more goals from Kevin "Helen" Kellar and Phil "Just on Time" Hummel the Chiefs led 6-0. As the third started the chiefs realized that Alex "Ham" Berger was not being rewarded for his new marriage and decided to let the Cougars shoot a bit more. Unfortunately this led to a goal one minute into the third period. Pete "I am the taller" Hummel scored quickly to keep the lead at six goals. Emboldended by the first goal and the Chiefs sitting on the ice the Cougars made a charge with two more quick goals. Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber realized that he had to shut them down and proceeded to score within twenty seconds. "It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen, his slap shot from the goal line some how curved into the net like he could mentally control the puck!! It was spooky." said new rookie Aaron "Skittles" Andell. Brian "David Lee" Roth quickly spoke up, "That is the kind of magic you see on the Chiefs team on a regular basis!" The Chiefs next game is Monday at 10:30pm.

Chief Lose to Demons But Show What Conditioning Can Do

You always hear coach and captain Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber tell the Chiefs that the legs feed the wolf. I don't know if he came up with that line as it sounds familar but it was a "Miracle" how well the Chiefs kept up against a much deeper Demons bench. "Losing 5-3 but only having six players shows how well conditioned we are! If we could only have played an extra period I know we would have worn them down or they would have slipped on our vomit on the ice" said a clearly out of breath Brian "Nutrasystem" Roth. Joe "Emmy" Ascaridis scored two goals and played an outstanding defense, falling in front of the Demon players at just the right time to not draw a penalty but keep them from scoring. "With this type of conditioning the Lizzards will go down to defeat when we play them next week! I guarantee a victory! said Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber

Chiefs Tip Medicine Hat 9-3

Using the Chiefs new strategy of quicker changes and actually shooting the puck into the goal proved successful against an outclassed Medicine Hat team. Hunter "Legs" Hillenmeyer kept himself from going down to the minor with a breakthrough hat-trick. "When that one hat came from the stands it brought a tear to my eyes! It felt like winning the Superbowl, not that I have ever won it but that is how I imagined it would feel". Hunter did return the hat that had accidently fell into the rink. Phil "Mumbles" Hummel, and Jeff "Eggs on" Joast scored two goals each.

Lizzard beat Chiefs 7-3 but Coach and Captain Promises Victory Next Time They Meet!

The Lizzards beat the Chiefs 7-3 but did not have to face Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber. "Without Ian (The Greatest Hockey Player In The World) there we were lost. Nobody knew what to do and what that black rubber thing on the ice was!" said a stunned Jeff "Buttered" Joast. When Ian was contacted on his Lear jet coming home from helping save orphans he said "Next time we face the Lizzards will be a different story. Be looking for our game in January where we put our new plans into effect!.

Chiefs Show Lizzards The Loss Column 5-3

The Chiefs outscored, outplayed, and out hustled the Lizzards in front of a huge crowd of six or seven at the Skatium on Monday. Keeping the Lizzards from sustained rushes and running them down with frequent line changes provided a relatively easy win against the last season champions. "I could see the Lizzards panicking with every line change as they did not know when Ian (The Greatest Hockey Player In The World) would come on the ice. It really messed them up and made all our jobs easier." said Jed "Rocket" Richard. Alex "Spam" Berger played an amazing game blocking the puck out of the net like a bad e-mail from Nigeria. "The Lizzards are getting older, slower, and really much uglier but thanks to our training methods of extra beer and flintstone vitamins I think we have actually regressed in age. I know this to be true as my wife always tells me to stop acting like a ten year old! " said Coach and Captain Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber. The Chiefs next game is Weds, Jan 1th as they try to use this win to keep the momentum going .

Chiefs Shut Out Seals 5-0

In an almost unheard of upset Jonathon "Livingston" Siegel almost got in and out of the showers before Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant after the Chiefs shut out the Seals. "Without Ian (The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber at the game I knew I had to do something memorable so I thought what if I got in and out of the showers before Kevin? Unfortunately, I forgot to shave my body so it took a bit longer to get the soap off of me and Kevin squeaked through!" said a now clean shaven Jonathon. Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant was equally impressed with John's effort "I usually don't shave my testicles but I had a feeling that this game would be different without Ian at the game. That extra time at home bought me the "razor" thin margin I needed to beat John out of the showers. Normally, John and the rest of the team stare at Ian as he get's undressed which buys me time to get in and out of the showers. I of course stare at him after everyone else goes into the showers." Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber should be at the next game. Congrats also go out to Alex "Maxi-Pad" Berger for the Shut Out.

Chiefs fall to Chi-Town 8-7

In a tough loss the Chiefs could not catch a break against a tough Chi-Town team. The Chiefs hit the posts several times but could not get it in the net at the end of the game. Down. Down 7-4 after two periods the Chiefs came within one with two minutes to play. "Sometimes you make mistakes in warm ups that carry on to the game. I should not have made a rule that you must hit the posts in warm-ups to play in the game. Everytime they scored during the game they woudl take themselves out. It took me several minutes to convince Jed "Pixie" Richards to get back in the game" said coach and captain Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In the World" Silber. The Chiefs hope to get back to their winning ways next game.

Chiefs Beat Up Jerryatrix 15-2

In a game reminiscent of the ancient Romans feeding tied up pagans to lions the Chiefs destroyed the crippled Jerryatrix 15-2. "When we say all the handicapped spots were taken at the rink we knew we were in for a good game, said Pete "One Leg" Hummel who scored two goals and had three assists. "A lot of people have problems playing handicapped teams but I find they want to be treated like anyone else. Sure, the wheel chairs don't move very well on the ice but the government says everyone should have a chance to play. I only really feel bad for the blind players, especially their goalie." said coach and captain Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber. The Chiefs hope to keep their winning streak going next game against Hot Mix.

Chiefs Cool off Hot Mix in 7-1 Victory

Like Greg "Tugboat" Schnider's prom date, Hot Mix was rendered cold by the Chiefs incredible offense and defense. With Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber controling the tempo with his defense and deft assists (2) Hot Mix was stymied at every turn. "It is amazing to see a player at his level slow his game down on purpose to be able to play with us!" said an amazed Jeff "No Stubble" Yost. Alex "Maxi-Pad" Berger also had a stellar game only letting in one goal in twenty five shots. Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant had a Hat-Trick and one assist to lead the Chiefs in scoring.

Chiefs Tame Cougars 12-2.

The Chiefs turned the Cougars into kittens in their first match up of the season. "When I heard we were playing the Cougars I first thought it would be a bunch of hot hockey moms but when I saw it was a bunch of dudes it just got me mad!" said Jon "Livingston" Siegel. Jon used his anger to score four goals and an assist. Others that used their disappointment that there were no hot hockey moms and women were Eric "The Vulture" Goff (two goals, one assist), and James "AARP" Brault (two goals, one assist). James had this to say, "As a very, very, very old guy I was looking foward to having some women my age around to talk about the invention of electricity and morse code. Luckily I could use my anger to score a couple of goals and make the oncoming demise of my abilities a little easier to deal with." Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber had this to say, "I knew telling them they were playing women would get them angry when they saw the truth but a coach has to use all the weapons at his disposal!" The Chiefs next game is Friday November 4th at 8:40pm.

Chiefs Pound the Meatheads in First "Meating"!

The Chiefs defeated te Meatheads 13-0 in their first ever meeting. The Chiefs had fifteen bench players, the most ever since the ill fated 2006 playoffs. Thankfully, Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber, used his incredible coaching skills to balance the lines to perfection. "I don't know what we do without Ian!" said Jeft "Toast" Yost. "I have never seen a player with the ability to run a team on and off the ice the way he did, I mean it was getting violent on the bench with playing time but he just slashed a few guys in the head with the stick and it was all better!". Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player in the World" Silber was also instrumental in putting the nail in the Meatheads coffin with is goal in the third period that made the score 11-0. "After that goal with seven minutes to go we knew they would not come back!" said Jim "AARP" Brault. Jon "Livingston" Siegel swooped down to get the hat trick. Several other scorers included Matt "Hazmat" Ascaridis, Wayne "It wasn't me" Brezovar, Jim "AARP" Brault (who also had two uncredited assists), Pete "The Lumberjack" Hummel, Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant. Alex "Maxi-Pad" Berger got the shutout. The Chiefs next game is Monday October 24th.

Chiefs Lose To Outfit But Show They Mean Business.

The Chiefs lost to the Chicago Outfit 6-3 in a game that showed that the Chiefs win against the Outfit in the spring season was not a fluke. The Outfit without some of their key players took a 3-3 tie well into the third period. The Outfit feeling the pressure played like a bunch of pussies including slashing forward Andy "Speedball" Tousignant (see attached picture). "While the Chiefs beat us we accomplished our main object of keeping Mike "small penis" Orzoff of the Outfit from scoring a goal" said coach and greatest hockey player in the world, Ian Silber. Chiefs goals were scored Jon " Limp Wrist" Siegel, Andy "Speedball" Tousignant, and Pete "The axe" Hummel. Matt "The Bridesmaid" Ascardis had an assist on each goal.

Chiefs Seal Up The Victory With Great Goaltending!

The Chiefs opened their 2011-2012 season with a 3-1 victory over the Arctic Seals. With a great defensive effort from Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber, Phil "Double Blade" Hummel, Joe "Oompa" Ascardis, and Matt "The Accountant" Ascardis the Chiefs looked in almost mid-season form. Goalie Alex "100% Beef" Berger froze the Arctic Seals with every shot. Stopping 31 shots on goal and letting only one in early in the first period. Goals were scored by Kevin "Sparkles" Grant, Phil "Double Blade" Hummel, and Matt "The Accountant" Ascardis. Hunter "Slash" Hillenmeyer commented "Being on Ian's team has been a dream of mine for many years and seeing a top level hockey player and coach such as Ian really makes you understand why he is the greatest hockey player in the world!" The Chiefs next opponent are the Chicago Outfit who will be looking for revenge as the Chiefs knocked them out of the playoffs in the spring.

Chiefs lock up Chi-Town Hustlers for another win.

Continuing their barrage of the competition the Cheifs scored 11 goals in route to their third win in a row. Scoring 36 goals in their last three games the Chiefs are tied for third place in the league and only on point behind the first place Outfit. "With all this scoring I have been putting on some weight. I find that I am able to have my normal pre-game meal during the game and still win. The ice cream for dessert is the best as I leave the bowl on the ice and it stays nice and cold." said goalie Alex "Boog" Berger. Jed "Rocket" Richard, Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant, and Eric "The Vulture" Goff accounted for seven of the eleven goals and all three remain in the top ten in scoring for the league. The Chiefs now have a two and a half week layoff before their next game which they will use to work on plays they have seen on the Disney movie The Mighty Ducks.

Chiefs keep up winning ways against Arctic Seals

The Chiefs defeated the Seals 11-6 and keep their amazing scoring onslaught going with 26 goals in two games. The Seals as if trying to escape a pod of Orcas did everything they could to escape their demise. With over ten penalites including a game misconduct the seals acted as little baby pups crying and whining as they died on the ice. "The Chiefs used their sticks like eskimos at a seal bashing party. Filleting their defense and gutting their offense." said Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber. The Chiefs were leading 7-2 in the first with scoring coming from nine different players over the course of the game. "How Ian continually balances the line and gets the most out of his players I will never know. It could be that he threatens to play on the same line as anyone who does not score but we will never know" said Mike "Made it to the game on time" Ruley. The Chiefs have moved into sole possession of third place and continue to impress their league. Next game is Nov 17th.

Chiefs show Bishops who really is in charge at the Altar in 15-4 win.

In the biggest win in Chiefs history the Bishops got pounded like altar boys by a score of 15-4. "After leading the Bishops 8-2 in the first period we heard them praying, unfortunately they kneeled as they prayed so we were able to skate around them pretty easily and keep scoring." said Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber. After the second period the Chiefs were winning 13-4. "The Bishops should have asked the refs for running time but instead they kept asking different religious figures for help. First Christ, than Moses, Muhammed, Buddah, and finally L. Ron Hubbard. None seemed to help them." said Andy "Speedy" Tousignant. Eric "The Vulture" Goff continued his hot scoring with two goals and 4 assists. "Ian 'The Greatest Hockey Player In the World' Silber really helped with his advice to put the puck in the net. The last few games I kept aiming for the goalie but this change of trying to miss the goalie was really helpful!" said Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant who got 5 goals and 2 assists. The Chiefs have a tough game this Friday against the second place Arctic Seals.

Chiefs lose to Lizzards in Heart Breaker 6-5

The Chiefs could not get past the Lizzards once again. A valiant Chiefs team kept battling back but lost to the Lizzards with less than two minutes to play. "I am pretty sure that coach, captain, and greatest player in the world, Ian Silber, made this happen. He knows that if we peak to early we may not work as hard later in the year. As many of us are in contract years he holds the purse strings on our pizza and beer funding and may be leveraging for more." said forward and poet Jon "Livingston" Siegel. "Eric "The Vulture" Goff has been spectacular lately with his ability to score goals off the remnants of shots left wasting on the ice. With his wide circling skating ability it just takes a few moments to swoop down and put away the carrion remains of the puck." said linemate Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant. Hopefully the Chiefs will bounce back next game against the Bishops.

Second Level of Demons Blased by Chiefs in OT

Entering the second level of Hell in the league's version of a video game the Chiefs played the Demons Black team. No they were not black, in fact their uniforms were not even black but they were better than the Demons Red team. But still not good enough. The Chiefs backed by a Hat Trick from Jed "Rocket" Richard came back to tie the game with 44 seconds to go. The Chiefs than scored 37 seconds into overtime to win the game. "Only the incredible coaching and playing by Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player in the World" Silber saved us. By pulling the goalie and setting up the lines using that braniac computer of a brain of his could we pull this off" said an amazed Jon "Livingstone" Siegel. The Chiefs play the Lizzards next and hope to keep their winning ways going.

Chiefs blast Demons back to Hell with 5-2 win

Summoning all that was right and holy with the world the Chiefs climbed from a two goal deficit to smite the Demons. The Chiefs scored five straight goals after the Demons scored two goals in the first five minutes of the game. "As an ordained minister I knew I was going to have to use all my spiritual powers to expunge the Demon's evil from the ice" said Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber. " "Ian's words touched me like a priest at a kids day camp. I mean I was really inspired to fight the despair of the Demons penetration into me" said Joe "Altar Boy" Ascaridis. The Chiefs are also welcoming new American citizen Nelson "Backbacon" Spruston. Since expelling the Canadian aura he has finally scored in a game this season. We welcome you to our country!!

Chiefs getting closer to shutting down the Outfit.

Like Elliot Ness the Chiefs are slowly moving toward shutting down the Chicago Outfit. The Chiefs lost 8-6 in a well played game. The Chiefs had four different goal scorers with Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant and Jed "Rocket" Richard each scoring two goals. Andy "Flash" Tousignant and Steve "Muddy" Waters had one each. "The Chicago Outfit is now on notice! We will continue to shut down their lines of distribution into our zone and eventually shut them out entirely." said Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber. Ian continued "Soon the prohibition against their goals will be total and we will speak easy of the fall of the Outfit!" On the defensive side the Chiefs the return of Brian "Van Halen" Roth and Dennis "Blarney Stone" McBride. "This was Dennis' first game back on the ice in a while and while he played great his head got so red that at first the ref thought a goal was scored." said goalie Alex "Boog" Berger. Friday the 15th is the next game as the Chiefs continue the march toward the cup (of beer).