Ian is the Greatest Hockey Player In the World: News

Chiefs Lose But Get Number One Seed!

On family night a rousing crowd of well over 8 spectators saw an exciting game. Kevin "Sparkles" Grant got a hat trick in the first 5 minutes of the game. Coach and Player Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber saw that the Chiefs were getting a bit too cocky and ordered Wayne "The Offender" Brezovar to get 5 straight penalites. With the Chiefs sufficiently tired the Griffins took the lead. The Chiefs got within one when Lary "I am not playing until the 3rd period" Gramaldi scored in the third period. Unable to get another goal the Chiefs lost. the player of the game for the Griffins was their goalie who when told that he stopped 40 shots said "That many, wow, I kept closing my eyes and hoping they would hit me." Unfortunately, they did. The loss did not harm the Chiefs for the playoffs as the won the Skokie South Season Team Championship and move to the playoffs as the number one seed.

Chiefs Win Sixth in Row Over Gorillas

The Chiefs beat the Gorillas 7-6 getting their sixth win in a row. How did we go from 3 wins in a row to 6?? Well it is because the rest of the team is lazy and no one wrote an article while I missed a few games. I was at Jenna Bush's wedding and did not have time. Jenna and I go way back from when I would buy her alcohol because she was underage. That girl can party. But I digress, I know the other people on the team can write or at least scribble. With computers that scribbling can even look like words. I of course was awsome and that was expected. More excitement is forthcoming as we go for seven in a row this Friday. Stay tuned.

Tic-Tac-Toe Chiefs win 3 in a Row!

The first place Chiefs kept a one game lead in the Skokie South Division by beating the Cougars by a score of 7-3. "It was just like killing that Cougar in Chicago, I felt just like a Chicago cop. I used my stick like a billy club and beat them silly" said leading penalty minute holder Bryan "Still learning the Game" Fisher. Kevin "Sparkles" Grant finally moved ahead of Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player in The World" Silber in scoring. This is the longest that Sparkles has been behind defensive standout Ian and has caused rumours in the hockey world as to if Sparkles is losing a step or two. Friday the 25th the Chiefs go for four in a row. Stay tuned for all the action.

Lillian Clare Roth Slashes Mom to get out of the womb!

Future Olympic hockey skater Lillian Clare Roth entered the world on Saturday April 12th. When her mom would not let her out the normal way Lillian used the natural bone shaped skate blade on the bottom of her foot to slash her way out. "We couldn't be more proud of her strength and determination to catch the 3rd period of the Montreal/Boston game" said Suzy the tired mom. "By getting out around 6pm it also allowed us to settle in for the Dallas/Anaheim game." Suzy also mentioned. The proud father Brian "My sperm work" Roth also talked about Lillian. "Normally, the bone on the foot thing skips a generation but we are happy it worked out this way. I mean what a trooper not only did she cut her way out of her mom but also cut her own umbilical cord!" said Brian. We look forward to more information and stories regarding this future skating machine. The Chiefs Salute you!!!

Chiefs Win 2nd in a Row against Gorilla's 10-6

Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" sensed that an undermanned Chiefs team needed help. Reaching back to his time wiht Diane Fossy in the jungles of the Congo he remembered that Gorillas needed to have their leader challenged if change was to occur. Ian took the puck from deep in the defensive end and drove to the Gorillas SilverBack goalie. Scoring and thus breaking the Gorillas morale and the tie score making it a 3-2 game. Later Ian assisted Wayne "Sleeping at Home" Brezovar for a daggar to keep the Chiefs in the lead. Lary "The Huffer" Grimaldi got the hat trick to get the into the top of the league in scoring. Further suppling the Chiefs was support was the new Sexy Sally's cheering section that yelled like it was spring break in Daytona. Forced to put their shirts back on they still had a great influence on the team.

Chiefs just needed a little Medicine to get the season going win 4-3

While Ian (The Greatest Player In The World) Silber saved the world from a hurtling asteroid he put his faith in the team to continue without him. Not one to take it easy on his team he promised a win for a dying child in Liberty, Kansas. Well little Anita V. Agina will survive as the Chiefs won a 4-3 thriller. The following report was provided by Dennis "Whiskey Stick) McBride.
"When Ian guarantees a win, the Chiefs delivered, despite the pressure of the "guaranteed" win and starting the game with only 6 skaters ( Nelson, Joe G. Joe A, Matt A. Bob K. plus Alex. The late arrivals of EJ and Brault who showed up in time to play the second half did help. We had a 3-1 lead in the third so we spotted them two to keep it competitive but still managed to win on a tic-tac toe passing play finished off with a nice pass from Joe to Bob who neatly undressed their goalie. Kevin Grant and new comer Don Kempf were healthy scratches. The brothers Ascaridis led the charge playing all positions and doing standup comedy between whistles. Alex stood on his head in net which resulted in a few face saves off his mask. He said it was more effective than trying to see around all the fat asses that were screening him." Also, if you are reading this than Ian stopped the asteroid.

Chiefs Start Season With Same Strategy. Lose to Arch Bishops 10-3

With only 9 players the Chiefs started the spring season. This technique of not having enough players so as to build up the legs has been demonstrated to work wonders by playoff time. "The legs feed the marmoset." said coach and player Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber. Further trouble occured late in the second period when new skater, and I mean new skater, Bryan "The Hook" Fischer broke one of his double blades and had to leave for the rest of the game. Brian "Hurling" Roth and Ian "The greatest hockey player in the world" Silber were left to play defense for a solid 20 minutes straight. This would not have been too much of a problem if Lary "Huffer" Grimaldi had not been sharing his asthma inhaler with Wayne "Unibrow" Brezovar. "Accidently" filling his inhaler with glue fumes resulted in both Lary and Wayne skating hard but in circles around the "pretty big circle in the middle of the ice" as they described it. The Chiefs next game looks to be better as the real inhalers have been found.

Fossils revive to win Championship after beating Chiefs

An undermaned Chiefs team lost to the Fossils in the losers bracket by a score of 8 to 5. The Fossils than went on to win the Championship but only after losing to the Chiefs in the first game of the playoffs and beating them the second time they met. "The Chiefs strategy of coming in last during the season worked great!", a semi-happy Ian (The greatest hockey Player in the world) Silber said. By finishing the playoffs in 3rd place the Chiefs have served notice on the rest of the league that they are not an easy win. Now the Chiefs just need to have more than10 players show up for a game.

Last to First: Chiefs Validate Coach Ian's Season Strategy!

"The Man is A Hockey Genius!" said league president Steve "Glass Jaw" Glickman. All season long Coach and Player Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber has prepared his team as if they were in first place. This came to pass when the 6th seeded Chiefs beat the 1st place Fossils 3-2 in overtime. With incredible bench management and strategy the Chiefs wore down the frustrated Fossils. "Using me as a decoy so Wayne could get a couple of goals was a very smart play. I purposely missed several open shots as per our game plan." said Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant. Alex "The Ham" Berger played spectacularly with many incredible saves in a very close game. "Having Ian on defense really made me feel comfortable, his ability to let just enough players through to keep me on my toes is something you don't always get in a hockey game" said Alex "The Ham" Berger. With the win the Chiefs get a first round bye and play their next game March 4th with the opponent to be decided. Stay tuned with the CHIEFS march to the Championship. MARCH MADNESS BEGINS!!

Chiefs power their way into last place with 7-5 win

With their coach Ian "the Greatest Hockey Player in the World" Silber off rehearsing for his starring role in High School Musical On Ice, the Chiefs were forced to soldier on without a leader. Ian taped a motivational speech for the team to watch before the game, but he used a Betamax camcorder to record his message and the Chiefs didn't have the resources to travel back in time to 1982 to watch it.

The game marked the triumphant return of goalie Alex "the $600 Dollar Man" Berger. Berger had recently been outfitted with a bionic groin and was raring to go. In order to keep him on his toes, Andy "Wrong-Way" Northwick scored the first two goals for the Griffins. "A goalie needs to learn not to be complacent. I thought the first goal would have shown Alex that, but it took two for him to finally get the picture," said Andy. Berger found it much easier to defend against the opposing team than to defend against the Chiefs, only allowing 3 goals the rest of the game.

The Chiefs offense rebounded from a lackluster performance last game and gave the fans what they wanted to see. Bob "I have the ego to wear number 99" Kuker, Morgan "the Kissing Bandit" Daniels, "Full" Nelson Spruston, and Jeff "Son of Hawkins" Hawkinson all got into the action. Even Kevin "Dead-Eye" Grant, who was averaging 1 goal every 35 shots, managed to take 70 shots and get 2 goals out of it. With all of this offense, Alex got a little bored in goal and decided to get in on the offensive action with an assist. He is now the all-time Chiefs leader in points by a goalie, surpassing the record of 0 points held by Sharkie for over 20 years.

The victory briefly moved the Chiefs into 5th place, but a Medicine Hat victory on Tuesday would knock them back into 6th place. 6th place had always been Coach Ian's plan for the season. The team gathered at Chiefs Headquarters to anxiously watch the Medicine Hat game via satellite. All went according to Ian's plan with Medicine Hat winning. The Chiefs enter the playoffs as a first-place team disguised as a last-place team. Get your playoff tickets now before they're all sold out!

FIRST BEER GETS DONATED TO THE CHIEFS!!

The Chiefs would like to thank Bill Blankemeier from PeopleFlo for donating the first beer to the team. For his magnanimous gift of $5 Bill's company PeopleFlo gets our undying gratitude. Due to our status as a non-profit Bill also gets to take a tax deduction for the $5. Also, if anyone out there needs pumps for viscous fluids let Bill know. He started the company himself and could use the help. The beer he donated seemed to flow through me pretty well so I expect his pumps to work just as well. So let us raise our glasses to PeopleFlo who will be the start of several million dollars in donations as companies see that being on our site turns PeopleFlo into a fortune 200 company. The attached picture is the beer that was purchased with the funds before being recycled. For more information on PeopleFlo go to www.peopleflo.com.

Fossils beat Mummified Chiefs 6-2

With 3 goals in 3 seconds the Fossils jumped out to a commanding lead in the first period of Friday nights game. Goalie Tim "The Human Backboard" Ryll increased his shot blocking percentage by giving the Fossils multiple tries at the net. Defensive specialists Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber, Brian "IRA" Roth, and Andy "Old Hickory" Northwick helped Tim by staying out of the way and allowing the Fossils to continue shooting. Joe "To the Moon" Gleeson scored both goals for the Chiefs with one being shot from a 1/4 of a mile away. "We have checked and that is the longest goal ever recorded in Hockey History" said Puck McPylon from the Hockey Hall of Fame. Perfectly positioned for their playoff run the Chiefs see there last two regular games of the season a time tune up the lines and sharpen the skates. "With the last two games ahead of us I have officially disallowed the use of double blade skates by the team. This will cause some problems but we believe with extra skating this week week we should end up just fine" said coach Ian "The Greatest Coach In The World" Silber

Chiefs lose a defensive battle to Cougars 11-9 but score 9 goals without Kevin Grant.

The Chiefs scored a season high 9 goals without Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant falling down in the offensive zone. "Unfortunately, the Cougars scored 11 goals but it would have only been 10 if they hadn't pulled me for the extra skater with 2 minutes to go and the score 10-9. I know I would have stopped that last goal if I was still in there." said goalie Tim "5,6,7,8 and 9 hole" Ryll. Coach Ian Silber suspected that the new Illinois law banning smoking in all public places played a part in the loss. "Everytime Mike "Marlboro Man" Ruley left the ice, put on his skate guards, and walked outside they scored. If he could only have waited for a sub I think it would have changed the ebb and flow of the game. I am planning on bringing nicotine patches to the next game" said coach Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber

Chiefs Tip Their Hat To First Two Game Point Streak

As the Chiefs move towards the playoffs their momentum continues to build. "Ian has used his incredible hockey knowledge and inherent brilliance to move this team to a point in Hockey history where destiny is just a few wins a game." said an awe struck Dennis "Bushmill" McBride. Losing to Medicine Hat in overtime by a score of 6-5 allowed the Chiefs to gain another point and remain in a tie for third in the competitive B-division of the Skokie Hockey League. "Sure, we could have not given up a 4 goal lead in the first period but I did not want our team to coast for the night" said Ian "The greatest hockey player in the world" Silber. As Ian continues to re-write the world of conventional hockey coaching it has been rumoured that the Russian hockey federation has been in negotiations with Ian to help resurrect the former Russian hockey empire. Let us hope for Americas sake that the Ruble never reaches the value of the American dollar.

Hot Socks before Game Helps Chiefs Beat Griffins in 6-5 in Overtime

Who said socks before games was not helpful? As the Chiefs received their long awaited game socks in a huge pre-game ceremony the crowd went wild. "I have never had socks like that !" screamed Brian "David Lee" Roth. "Usually the socks I have are boring and the same all the time" he added as his pregnant wife gave him the finger from the crowd (Brian said that was how they said "I love You" to each other) The Chiefs had to adjust their play as Wayne "The Skating Penalty" Brezovar did not attend forcing the Chiefs to play at full strength for a whole game. Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber was outstanding at defense with a +5 keeping the hapless Griffins out of the Chiefs zone. On top of all this excitement a sorrowful moment was passed as Larry "The Gimp" McCarthy put on a new pair of shoulder pads after 30 years (see picture). The old pads will be buried with honors at Arlington Cemetary in Washington after serving in so many battles. "This is the Chiefs 5th winning streak of the season and hopefull y will continue as sometimes after having hot socks there is a let down for a little while." said Dennis "Viagara" McBride. Ian said he has never heard of that problem and expects the team to be up for the game and ready for another win.

Arch Bishops end Chiefs Win Streak

The Arch Bishops beat the Chiefs 6-3 ending their third one game win streak of the season. The Chiefs were comfortably leading 2-0 in the first when Mike "Shoulders" Kennedy tripped over the blue line and dislocated his shoulder. This resulted in Nelson "Big Momma" Spruston having to drive Mike to the hospital. With a depleted bench the Chiefs could not keep up even with the heroic efforts of Ian "the greatest hockey player in the world" Silber moving up to offense and scoring an incredible back handed goal. "The Chiefs are poised for the February playoffs as the 3 winning streaks are 2 more than last season", said Coach Ian.

Chiefs Get First Win With New Blue Jerseys!

The Chiefs beat the Fossils 10-5 in a game showing the influence that Ian (The Greatest Hockey Player In The World) Silber has on the team. Fearing that Ian would not be in town due to a previous engagement with the Sports Illustrated SwimSuit models the team was in turmoil. Thankfully God intervened and brought a horrible ice storm to O'Hare cancelling the flight that would have taken Ian away from the game. "I would just like to thank God for making sure that Ian was in town, sure it cost over 100 lives, closed schools, destroyed property, and made life miserable for many, many, many, people but the fact is we could not have won without him", said Wayne "Penalty Kill Practice Man" Brezovar. The game was put away for the Chiefs when Ian took the puck from the defensive end,in what many remember in slow motion detail, and went through several players to almost score. "Just watching him skate made me want to skate and shoot, and maybe even get the puck to the goalie with my shot" said Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant. Kevin proceeded to score 5 goals after witnessing Ian's incredible almost Bobby Orr like play. Tim "The Block" Ryll played his best game in goal stopping shots that most mortal goalies could only dream about. Many hockey pundits believe the Chiefs have turned the corner and will continue to peak towards the playoffs. Ian Silber's coach of the year award is already in the bag.

Blue Cheifs blow lead, prove they can lose without coach

The Chiefs brought out their blue jerseys for the first time in a heated battle with the Wellington Cougars. The players felt good about their chances, since Coach Ian "Gretzky Jr" Silber would not be in attendance. He often uses his absence as a motivating factor for the team, resulting in most victories happening when he isn't at the games. The Chiefs jumped out to an early lead and were dominating the Cougars through two periods. Unfortunately, the lack of Coach Ian's hockey knowledge proved to be the team's undoing. Believing that hockey consisted of two 15-minute halves, the Chief players were unprepared when the refs blew the whistle to indicate the start of the third period. "What, do we have to play four quarters?" asked an incredulous Bob "the Builder" Kuker. The Chiefs had tired themselves out too much in the first two periods and had no game plan ready for the third. They ended up losing the game 5-2. "I used to think that Ian was just an obstacle to skate around on the ice," said Dennis "Always a McBridesmaid By Never a" McBride. "But now I realize that he is a master strategist. I mean, he would have told us about the third period for sure."

Arch Bishops get dispensation for beating Chiefs 8-1.

Forced to wear their away jerseys due to T.V. guidelines the Chiefs came out disorganized against a deity favored Arch Bishop team. The Chiefs in trying to prepare for the playoffs tried to work on their powerplay defense by getting 9 penalties. Wayne "I didn't do it" Brezovar led the way with 4 penalties and was quoted as saying "I didn't do it". Larry "The Hook" McCarthy said "I think the Halo glow from the Bishop's blinded the refs to what was really going on." Ian "The Greatest Hockey Player In The World" Silber was seen speaking to the refs before the game and speculation in the league is that he asked for all those penalties so the Chiefs could work on their defense. Most players agreed about this and were in awe over their coaches stragtegy.

Chiefs lose to Arctic Seals but Look Marvelous!!

It is better to look good than to play good and the Chiefs proved that. They skated out onto the ice against the 2nd place Arctic Seals in their new white jerseys. As the Jim (The Fault) Brault said "Women swooned, men cried, the earth shook, and other things happened when we took to the ice". The Chiefs used the momentum of the jerseys to keep the game close until late into the 3rd period where the score was 6-5. The score ended 9-5 as the Chiefs wanted to mimic the Slapshot Chiefs by not peaking too soon. Ian (The Greatest Hockey Player in The World) Silber and Brian (David Lee) Roth, Larry (Shoulders) McCarthy, and Andy (The Axe) Northwick made sure that Tim (The Glove) Ryll had plenty of practice in goal. "By allowing Tim to face 10-20 breakaways we are preparing him for the worst that can happen" said genius coach and player Ian (The Greatest Hockey Player in the World) Silber. Kevin "Sparkly Pants" Grant demonstrated his uncanny ability to skate around all five opposing players and deftly place the puck in the opponents glove. Eric (The Cicada) scored again for the 4th straight game. After asking how he got his nickname Eric replied "Well I guess its because I only score in any great amount every 17 years.". Next game is Tuesday and the new home jerseys will be on display.